How do I trust a seemingly untrustworthy God?
February 3, 2008
My wife and I have been on a fairly crazy roller coaster ride that past few months. And I hate roller coasters with a passion. All they do is make me sick and feel like I am going to die at any moment. A feeling that I have grown uncomfortable with the older I get. So why does it seem that God allows us to ride the rides that make us feel a bit uncomfortable and a lot confused? It almost feels like God doesn’t in fact love us at all.
Now I have to warn you up front, there is not going to be a happy ending to this blog. At least not at this point in my journey. The only thing that I can hope to share is some suggestions as to why I am struggling to trust God, but then again nothing that I myself am really satisfied with or even for that matter understand.
We lost our first baby to a miscarriage a few months back, and with that loss a whole lot of trust in a loving, caring God. I have asked God why he would hurt me like this? But what really pisses me off is that God has hurt my wife. Ok some would say that God has not hurt her directly, but what is worse (a) a God that doesn’t hurt us directly or (b) a God who seems to just stand by and watch us get hurt? He is God for crying out loud! He can prevent anything from happening! At least I thought he could.
On the journey I have been taking through the Bible I came across this story in Leviticus 10…1 Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized fire before the LORD, contrary to his command. 2 So fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD. 3 Moses then said to Aaron, “This is what the LORD spoke of when he said:
” ‘Among those who approach me
I will show myself holy;
in the sight of all the people
I will be honored.’ “
Aaron remained silent.
What a heartless God! I mean God is supposed to be merciful, gracious and loving. Yet it appears that in this passage God is not painted with the same brushes and strokes I have seen before. He killed two of Aaron’ s sons because they messed up some sacrifice ritual. Where is the love that God has for his creation? It seems to be absent. I mean God could have easily made them sick for a week or severed a limb. But to kill and destroy, seems overboard and unlike the God I serve.
But that’s just it isn’t it? The God I serve can’t really be put in a box. Or be painted in such a way that I am always going to be able to recognize. Because God is, I believe, loving, gracious, merciful etc…but also very, very, scary. I hate serving a God, my Father, and being scarred of Him. I don’t fully understand what it means to be afraid to trust God. I know what it’s like to trust other humans. But God? That seems overwhelming and out of control. Out of my control.
I am making this statement as part of my faith forever in God. Because I don’t serve a God where I feel the need to edit any of my thoughts. I will serve God for as long as I live, but perhaps never feel totally comfortable with Him again. This will change my relationship for good.
I guess the Hebrew writer was right…”31It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God.” Hebrews 10:31
And that’s for shizzle
Anthony,
My heart is aching for you and Megh. Dave and I have been there. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks about 3 1/2 years ago. I remember being surprised at the depth of the grief I felt at the loss of a little baby who I hadn’t even met. It hurts and it makes you question a lot. What did I do, why did God do this, is God disciplining me? Although all those questions are normal, don’t get stuck there! Regardless of the questions (we may never get answers on this side of heaven), we can still trust that God is good.
In our own situation, I can now see that God did bring about good from it – from something that hurt us and was just heart-wrenching. God brought “beauty from ashes”. That beauty included a deeper relationship with God, newfound strength in our marriage relationship, and a stronger faith. There are other things, too, but I won’t expound on that in this response… but if you want to know more, just ask!
I wanted to share this with you in the hopes that God will use it in your process of healing… it’s from Charles Spurgeon and I apologize for the length.
“The Lord’s thoughts are all working toward “an expected end.”… God is working with a motive. All things are working together for one object: the good of those who love God. We see only the beginning; God sees the end from the beginning. He know every letter of the Book of Providence; He sees not only what He is doing, but what will come of what He is doing. As to our present pain and grief, God sees not these things exclusively, but He sees the future joy and usefulness which will come of them. He regards not only the tearing up of the soil with the plow, but the clothing of that soil with the golden harvest. He sees the after consequences of affliction, and He accounts those painful incidents to be blessed which lead up to so much of happiness. Let us comfort ourselves with this….
You have never seen the Great Artist’s masterpiece; you have seen the rough marble, you have marked the chippings that fall on the ground; you have felt the edge of His chisel, you know the weight of His hammer, and you are full of the memory of these things; but oh, could you see that glorious image as it will be when He has put the finishing stroke to it, you would then understand the chisel, and the hammer, and the Worker better than you now do!”
I’m praying for the two of you that you continue to trust in God, that you continue to hope in Him. Let Him use this in your lives to bring glory to His Kingdom!
If there’s anything we can do (maybe just talk about it??), let us know,
Blessings,
Stephanie Debo
I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I experienced a stillbirth of my first child only 2 weeks before my due date. There really are no words to describe what you go through, as you’re aware. You experience not only the death of a child, but the death of a dream (actually many of them) and a way of life. It’s not something that anyone can prepare you for, but I believe it is something that ONLY GOD can get you through!! For myself, I can’t even imagine what it would’ve been like to go through that without God, but so many do and it makes my heart break. Again, I know there isn’t anything I can say to “make it better,” but I’m willing to listen if you or Megh ever need to vent. Meanwhile, I’ll keep the two of you in my prayers!!
Because I love music so much, I find myself seeking songs that might relate to how I’m feeling at certain times. One song, in particular, really spoke to me during this very difficult time in my life (and continues to do so even now). Here are the lyrics and I encourage you (and Megh) to check it out on iTunes when you get a chance.
SOMETHING MORE (I Need to Praise You) by Kristy Starling
Everything’s changed
And I want to believe
There must be a reason
There just has to be
‘Cause my faith is strong
‘Till it all hits home
and it’s not enough for me to trust
When it hurts too much
chorus:
On the days
I feel like I’ve failed You
The days I feel I’ve been failed
I need to praise You
For I am Yours
I’m Yours
Where is the power
To give back the strength
Give back the faith I had yesterday
Oh, cause You are my God
Oh, You are my great I Am
And I know I have fallen
I have landed
In healing hands
chorus
And in my frailty You lead me to
Something more
So I close my eyes
Cause inside my heart I believe
That I’m not alone
That You’ll always be there for me
chorus
Cause I believe You’ll lead me to something more
Something more